A journey into the darkness|
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Necromancer's School's LiveJournal:
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|Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004|
From Varomar to Ilthmar is "about the distance from Mexico City to New York". This works out to 2090 miles according to this
distance calculator. This works out to a touch under 35 hours of travel with "Wind Walk".
Yeah, I was wrong with my first estimate of the distance. New York is about as far South as I visualized (in line with Eureka, CA, while Seattle is a little farther north than the city of Quebec), but somehow I forgot how far West Mexico City is from there.
|Thursday, June 10th, 2004|
Well, Perelion succeeded in finding something. A young wyvern, close to being booted from the cave for good. Four days of searching, three of initial training and we have a new party member. Not the brightest stone on the block, but likely more durable than any of the rest of us.
Now to find him a name and convince him that the rest of you are packmates. Oh, and teaching him to stay still for the 'harmless pseudodragon' trick, he seemed to like stalking from hiding, so hopefully he'll take to hiding in plain sight.
[Share spell polymorph other, me into myself, Wyvern into Pseudodragon. As soon as he leaves my side the spell is broken and where there was cute little Pseudodragon there is now huge Wyvern of doom. Will also allow for small things to be quite filling food sources] Current Mood: amused
|Monday, April 5th, 2004|
My friends died that day
and I have not been able to find their souls. I hope that they have been reborn to happier lives. Ness is probably still hiding in the ruined city, and I alone was able to escape with my life.
Mulharred, my teacher, my mentor. I am not sure whether it is he that lives, or a monstrous mockery that retains his power and memory. I wish that I could honor his memory by slaying what he has become, but I doubt that I will have the chance.
Marian, the sweet little voice of innocence that kept us from becoming complacent about the nightmares surrounding us. Her love and devotion was beautiful to see, and tragic to watch. In her next life, may her devotion lead to joy instead of suffering.
Allana, who fancied herself a deathdealer. Our reluctant leader, she tied us together more than she would ever admit. Of all the journeymen, I trusted her the most, even though she did not trust herself to love the people of this world. She was the first one I turned to for help, the first journeyman to treat me as an equal. In her new life, may she have the courage to open her heart with other people.
Drucilla, who's soul was the playground for cosmic forces. Her birthright was darkness, confusion, and manipulation. Everybody watched her, expecting inhuman evil. In the end, she was just another plaything in cosmic games. May she find a more peaceful life, where somebody loves her for who she is, instead of people craving her for what she is.
Eric, the reluctant prince, dust in the desert sands. He alone had no obligation to help, no ties to our nightmare until he volunteered to be sucked into out world. I'm glad he avoided the horrors that came later.
Sestian, who rejected his role as guardian of the hold, but remained a protector to the last minute of his life. The unstoppable guardian is here no longer. I wish him a better purpose in his new life; may his clarity not be so misplaced.
Sasha, my oldest friend, the stalwart warrior. I have not been able to find her. I suspect she went with Telos to the Hold, and met the same twisted fate as him.
Sennedd's body was crushed, and his self was finally released home. He brought honor to us, and love to my loneliest friend.
Karle proved himself to be a terminal danger to all around him. If he didn't die in the explosions, I fear he may reincarnate along with the others. May he find more wisdom in a new life.
Gunter was a kind man, the best I have ever known. The world has truly grown darker with his passing. As refreshing as Alanna said I was for her, he was for me. His example is needed now, more than ever. For him alone, of all I have ever met, I wish exactly what he deserves.
I'm not sure what we accomplished, what everybody achieved from this sacrifice. Maybe, we stopped things from getting worse, but the taint, the corruption, the nightmares that already came into our world are still there. Still wreaking havoc in Volaresca.
I will tell everybody what is happening. I can send letters to Drucilla's family and Eric's family, telling them how they died and why. I can go to Mirian's home forest, and tell them of her love and devotion. I can go back to Elia, and tell her that the elves of Volaresca seem to have entirely left our world.
Then, I need to go back. I will build memorial cairns for them, high on a mountaintop where they will be unmolested by the abominations in our home. It is our home, which is why I can't just go away and pretend this isn't happening. There are still people that need defending, and teaching. The king and queen need to know what is happening, even if it is beyond their power to do anything.
I'm beginning to doubt that this horror CAN be defeated. It can only be fought. On the memories of everyone that has ever mattered to me, I pledge my life and all of my ability to this cause.
|Thursday, March 18th, 2004|
Strange times, strange places
Dru surprised the hells out of me. Its been years since we did anything together, she's been a city girl, out in the castles, and with Allanna. Now she's back to catacombs and exploring. And honestly, I don't mind the company.
Dru doesn't smell like food, unlike most people. There's just enough dragon now to be in that other category. And she's mostly pretty quiet and self-sufficient. I can live with this kind of company. We don't talk much, but I think that suits both of us.
I needed to get off the damned ship. Being confined in tight quarters with too many people, and unable to go below decks and hunt because the rats were needed was driving me crazy, giving me too much time to sit and think.
This is paradise though. Plenty of food in the desert if you know where to look. A lot of open space with no people, and tombs and catacombs everywhere. I could spend years out here just exploring, seeing these ruins, studying these people, their funeral rites, and especially their undead. Maybe someday I'll get the chance to hunt a mummy. I'm not trying now. I'm not out to hunt, I'm out to study, to learn, and to write about them. But it would be a great hunt... and a different one. Very different from the vampires and ghouls and skeletons.
We're going to need to go back soon, I know that. But now I have so much more to write about, like a new world almost. And maybe one day Winter will have reason to send someone down to the southern continent... its obviously a great place for trade after all, and I can come back and play for a while. And I think I can manage the trip home alright... and then on to the hold. Current Mood: calm
|Sunday, March 7th, 2004|
Back at sea
I thought I loved the sea, being out so far from anywhere. When Alana asked how I am, I even said I was fine. I'm always honest... with her more so than anyone, and I meant it. In recent months I've found purpose, identity, even begun forging a place in the world for a monster note quite like any other.
And then we decided to go to sea, and I couldn't wait.
But then there's her, and there's the salted meat.
I love the crow's nest. I really do. I love the solitude, and the view. But that's also part of the problem. I'm running off by myself again, because people are starting to really smell like food. They aren't of course, not ever, but I haven't had anything that bleeds in almost a month now. Nothing with a heartbeat, nothing that I had to hunt and stalk. Fishing requires the boat to stop, requires fishing tackle, requires bait. And it requires the ability to take the living thing below decks to be eaten, instead of giving it over to the cook like the other fishers. Eating raw meat disturbs the sailors, and they're always about somewhere. Salted meat will just have to do until Alanna decides to set the anchor and stop for a while... not likely.
And all the rats go to her...
When I first found out about her, I was fascinated. She was to be this great thing. Something made to hunt and kill... and she is.
Therein lies the problem. She innately does everything I've ever done, everything I've worked and struggled so hard to be. And she isn't even full grown or anything like it yet. With casual ease, as a juvenile, she does everything for a game I've always tried to do with all the time I didn't spend learning magic, worshipping false idols, anything. And then she casts spells, or whatever they are, too, just empowering everything she already is.
I had thought perhaps, with enough work, with enough dedication, one of us mere mortals could somehow match up with the priests, the mages, the real monsters. I could buy with demons, dragons, things like that, I just wasn't good enough yet. She doesn't even have to try, rendering pretty much pointless everything I'd just found myself wanting to be. With that along, there's no point to my skills in this effort to 'save the world'. By the time she's ready, she'll be as quiet as I am, as good a hunter, as good a killer, and with all the magic too, and with just a few magicks from the Sithel, and a little bit of time to mature. And I can't learn any of it.
Why did I even come along? By the time we reach the southern continent I'll be obsolete, and people will still smell like food. Current Mood: apathetic
|Thursday, February 19th, 2004|
I hear Van Rogesta was assasinated while stepping off of his boat. Couldn't have happened to a more deserving "man", although it would have been nice to taste his blood for what he did to Dru. Apparently, there was nothing left but dust. A lovely reminder that Thosk's gift comes to all of his enemies.
I saw Karle here the other day, praying at the shrine to Thosk. Not sure what he's thinking, if he's ever thinking at all. Still, interesting that he came to Ilthmar, a little footnote to share with Jayce. Must keep eyes open for others from the Hold. Perhaps they are fleeing the Sings of the Times, the Years of Drought and Flood?
Soon, it will be time to return home, time to see Thosk's will made manifest in the living world. I wish I knew what he wants from me. Jayce's only advice has been to be what I am.
It's tempting to go out into the bandit kingdoms, begin a campaign of terror, better organized than what I did to Tharmia. Carve out my own "Vampire Kingdom", without waiting for Alnath's idiocy. It would make my liege Vaathan happy - but that is the kind of behavior that draws Heroes. The vampire myth is all about the insidious threat; obvious vampires die young.
|Wednesday, February 18th, 2004|
The impending doom of the world is proving to be exciting, tense, chaotic, and has done wonders to clear my mind. I'm feeling a lot better these days somehow, even if everyone else isn't.
But then that's the difference between everyone else and me, and always has been. Really, that's been the key to everything. Realizing there never was a place I fit in, as much as I would have liked it to be that way. The hold wasn't it, certainly. I doubt I'll ever find that place, and really, I've decided to stop torturing myself looking for it, to stop hanging on by fingernails to improbabilities.
The end of the world is coming... fine. Unlike the others, I'm not afraid to die. I've put my life on the line so many times for so many people for next to no reason, the threat of it kind of lost its impact. People call me a martyr, but that was never it, it had nothing to do with that. It was just the way things were... my job, what I felt was important.
The bigger things about the end of the world is that its proof positive the world can change. The world, in fact, will change. Either this will be stopped and the void it left will have to be filled with something that isn't the end of the world and a signing tree, or everything will be gone. That also means there's hope for improvement, for things to change for the better. And really, that's what I've always wanted to believe in... potential. That maybe, if I did the right things, was dedicated enough, all of that, things could get better for other people. Kind of a stupid dream I guess, but I've always measured myself through other people's eyes. I tried to tell Allanna that, but I think it just confused her.
That's alright. She has her life now, her lover, ambition, and she's made a mistake. There's no more unrealistic expectations. I think that's for the best. Yeah, I know I shouldn't dwell on her. Yeah, I still love her, but its different now. I can live for something else.
No, it still isn't me... not in the way that would make sense to anyone else. But I'm going to write my book, put everything I can into it, heart and soul, and make sure it serves its purpose. Then no matter what happens to me, I will have acheived my real ambition. Then, when its done, provided there's a world left, I will return to the Dragon Kingdoms and go to work for Winter. Sure she's petty, manipulative, has a taste for shiny things and baubles, but in the end she wants things to run smoothely, for at least most things to turn out for the best, and she appreciates when someone does her a good turn. I can live with that.
Besides, there's no end of work there... security, tracking, recovery, and of course, dealing with bandits and unwelcome visitors. Its not much, it isn't world shattering... but then that's the role of heroes... to be bigger than life I guess. I prefer being realistic, practical. Finding somewhere I'm needed, trying to do what's right there, and let come what may.
I remembered who 'Tian was, finally. Someone who could live honestly, live simply, and protect my little corner of the world without regret. Small dreams I guess, but I can live with that.
Oh, and as fo9r that end of the world thing? I'll let everyone else worry and fret about that. I'll do my part, help plan and work against these things. I really should have killed Jayce years ago, and maybe let the ghouls have Cenevara... but what's done is done. Timne enough to make up for old mistakes.
I am going to kind of regret killing Keeghan, but there's no way around that now. Otherwise, it sort of like orcs all over again. I liked the orcs, kind of looked forward to all that. Now, I find myself kind of enjoying the last days of the world. Current Mood: indescribable
|Monday, February 16th, 2004|
Perhaps it's good that I have to make this journey the long way. I'd grown to complacent, flitting about from place to place, acting almost like one of them
. Wizards focus on power and what CAN be done with it; I'm supposed to focus on what needs to be done, and only learning power to accomplish those needs. They treat me like a peer, like a fellow necromancer
. They may be offering me the only friendships I can really have, and I doubt they know how much this seduces me into foolishness. I have been as foolish as any of them. More
Take Karle, for example. Quite possibly the BEST example of The Foolish Wizard He was ridiculously slow to suspect Jayce. Even when I uncovered the awful truth of his actions, Karle's first question was "did you find out who it is?" We knew Jayce to be evil and insane, but the depth of this ... it's overwhelming. Torture, sacrifice, captured souls, opening our world to these horros of the past few years - I didn't know what to do. I still don't know - thinking too much about what has been done makes me feel sick. If there's any remnant of the original souls in the items he has created, they need to be set free. Jayce needs to be stopped, porbably fatally. Perhaps if we place his remains in Hallowed ground, we can keep him from coming back?
I'm still learning so much about these friends, these people whose fates are intertwined with my own. Dru and Allanna kept the undead remains of a former enemy around for years, just so that they could "kick him"? Allanna said "I kill people at the drop of a hat". Before I go back to them, I will have to put some serious thought into how I can help these people away from the lure of their own cruel desires and ruthlessness. We cannot afford to do evil in the cause of fighting evil - once you start down that path, you may as well enlist in the Blood War, helping one side of evil to fight the other. Channeling any kind of power INEVITABLY changes who you are - a lesson I should keep firmly in mind.
Allanna has usually been the wisest of the lot. Generally, I like her - not the obsessive romantic fixation Sestian has, but she usually has my respect and I used to be fairly confident that she would do the right thing. Now ... I've seen a new side of her. Now I've seen her shrinking under the table, acting like a child less than half her age. I've learned something of the cruelties she is capable of inflicting upon the cruel. I don't expect her to revere life like I do, but I thought she at least respected it.
And I, I think I've outdone these examples. In my arrogance, I refused to see the tree as an immenent threat. I tried to integrate it in to nature, make it healthy and wholesome and compatible with it's environment. By my very presence and my attempts to direct it, I may have turned it into a tool for Abomination. Is it now a conduit, a tree with roots in all of life, reaching out to Nightmare?
If anybody knows how to stop this tree, it will be the elves of Volaresca. The bloodthirsty, xenophobic elves of my homeland, who skin humans that intrude into "their" forest. I might have a chance of talking with these insane elves - if a sane elf helps me.
And if she refuses? I may have to go into the Volarescan forest alone. If I die, it will only be penance.
|Monday, January 26th, 2004|
Gloom and Doom
A few surprises, and a revelation. We've made some progress on this self-appointed mission, even if we seem to be in ever-increasing danger. The Gloom arriving while we were doing our research was ... distressing, to say the least. The fact that SOMETHING saw the need to interfere with our mission shows that we are doing the right thing, even while our path becomes more treacherous.
So, we have a two millenia cycle of doom, of nightmares made real. This doesn't bother me much, even though it could make our lifetimes miserable and short. I'm more worried about the hints Alanna found that this cycle may be breaking down as the barrier between our realm and the realm of the unreal becomes weaker. If we find a way to reinforce this barrier, will the monsters of legend fade back into unreality? Will this rid our world of Chichimecs, Glooms, and Linnorms?
And what of ghouls and werewolves? Will the lesser nightmares we have become so familiar with also fade away? How deeply entwined is this realm of the unreal with our everyday reality?
Not that we are anywhere close to finding a way to accomplish that. I think we're all sufficiently motivated now, and everybody sees the severity of this problem.
Alanna and I have another problem to puzzle out. The tree she planted has grown into a behemoth, feeding ravenously on the tainted arcane energies of that wasteland. While that triumph of life over magic is lovely to see, this tree could easily become as dangerous as the portal under "Volareth". I want to set up a proper grove up there, spend some time studying the tree and learning what dangers it may pose. It would be lovely if one danger could be used to counter the other, but I doubt we are going to be that lucky.
We may have to talk with the elves about this, tell them what we have done with their trees. Even the most civilized ones may be tempted to skin us alive for this, but they may have knowledge we need, and are not foolish enough to refuse to help when the danger to their world is real.
I certainly hadn't expected that. I thought I would put the tree there and it would grow but... I never expected it would... well... GROW. I'm going to have to sit down with Soren and see if we can figure something out. Nothing and no one goes into that place, with good reason, but something has to be done about the tree. If it continues growing unabated like that... well, it could take over the world. I hadn't imagined that much magic was left in that place after so long. It's immense.
And I'm rich. I could by a small town. Or as Senedd says, "Maybe a large town." Money isn't something I'll have to worry about for ... well, possibly ever, unless I need to buy something amazingly extravagant. I'll be leaving a letter for Lysi here. Interesting that we can leave letters for each other here. They might take awhile to get to each other but we both have contacts in this trading town.
I kind of miss her. She sounds happy, though it is hard to imagine her with pups. Really hard. She does sound happy, though. She's getting imense practical magic practice.
............... A few pages later ...................
By all that is holy...
Someone must be looking out for me. I should be dead. I should be more than dead. I should be a pile of ashes.
Random, if you're looking out for me, I thank you because I know it isn't Thosk. It definately isn't Thosk.
The book I managed to save tells me more than enough about what Thosk really is. And while I wasn't exactly right in what I was thinking, I was close enough. There is so much more to learn and now there are Glooms.... It makes me shiver just to remember.. There is a small mark in my armor where the knife touched it...
I've never been so afraid of anything in my life. I wonder if it is going to come back for the book. I hope not. I desperately hope not. That thing could easily kill us all in our sleep. We'd never even wake up. We've made a copy of the book and I'm trying to decide if giving a copy to Master Artia is a good idea or not. He and Galben are the only of the Masters I trust because of what they've both been through. I'm writting a letter, no matter what.
I'd love to talk about Thosk with Jayce now but ... There is no way he would listen to what I have to say. I don't know whether to laugh at or cry for those of the clergy. I don't think they have a clue what their god really is. He is the way he is because he was weak and couldn't resist corruption.
I have answers but I have so many questions all at the same time. When I finally go back to Volareth, yes, I think of it as that now, I hope to be well armed in knowledge and in weapons. 300 years is too long. There won't be anything left.
First, I need to go to Random's shrine. I think I'll spend a good long time there today.
|Sunday, January 25th, 2004|
Far from home again
You know, I can live with this. The world is ending, bit by bit, but somehow I just can't think that's anything new. Now it just has a new face or two, and likely the legends will continue to come back to life.
So... watchers... when was it supposed to be time to tell people what was really going on? When were things going to get so bad that someone had to be told? What things were so bad that it was better no one know except the people who watch?
But you know, honestly, other than Telos and the watchers, I just can't really care anymore. The hunt for the chichimec told me that most of them are still just trying to get by, survive... they just aren't very good at it sometimes.
No, not quite right... they prefer the path of least resistance. Assuming nothing is wrong until they have to react, and hoping that the next day won't be worse than the one before it. Survival, day to day, but not ensuring their survival or anyone else's for any time to come.
In any case, some of what Allanna said made some sense. I need to live for me, and since there is no place that I fit in, I need to make one. Winter was honest with me, gave us a task, and paid us for it with her thanks. She's capable and connected, and seems to value competence and people who can get a job done. That suits me, and like I told her, that's all I've ever wanted.
Now if we can just either save the world, or someone else who should be noticing these things and doing something about it actually does... then I can move on.
For now, Allanna acted like she needed me, was glad to have me there. And you know, I can live with that. Current Mood: awake
|Tuesday, January 13th, 2004|
Was it a mistake not to bring Sestian? I doubt he could have done anything we didn't do, and he may have gotten us all killed fighting the Chchimec before we were ready - but I hate to see what he's doing to himself. It seems like he's given up on some level. Allana says he's writing down his knowledge, I fear once he is done with that he may seek death. Sestian being Sestian, this will probably consist of a frontal attack on the most powerful monster he can find - possibly even the Chichimec.. The only thing I've ever seen make him vaugely happy is doing his job well, and now he's not even trying to do his job.
I really don't know where to go from here. I was only sent to investigate what was happening to the town, but now it sounds like there may be a Quest, a journey to find SOMETHING that can challenge this ... abomination. I think I might be able to help them on this journey, but I have to ask myself this question, now that I'm the only one sober: is this just an excuse to run away? Should we just gather whatever forces we can and attack this monster in the monastary, even though most of us, if not all of us, will die in the process? If we flee, we doom this town to the same fate as Yhezen. They saw us fight the Elder of Air, and may already be placing too much hope on us. It feels cruel to raise this glimmer of hope, then ride off into the East.
And we'll have to take Karle with us, because nobody is safe with him around. If he stays here, he'll slowly kill the entire town with his "accidents". This is the second time he's carelessly hit me in combat, I need to talk with him and make it clear that there will NOT be a third. I may be able to survive his "miscalculations", but someday somebody more fragile will take the brunt of his "mistake". What illness of the soul makes him consistently want to put his "friends" at risk like this?
Considering how everybody cringed at the word "boat", we may have to rely on Karle for transportation, too. He likes being relied on; this monopoly on teleportation goes to his head. How it must have galled him that we chose to ride for weeks rather than ask for his help. No wonder he came skulking after us in his cloud-fort.
We'll just have to do what we can.
|Monday, January 12th, 2004|
On the road again
So... I cried.
No one saw it, but crying is still for babies. And for once, and only once, that's ok. Babies are a new start, with options and a chance to learn new things still open to them, and finally, that's what I have to be.
Its been six months since we talked, since the last hold I had on everything I'd ever been was taken away from me. And I needed that. Who I was was wrong, horribly wrong. I told her I didn't want or need anything. I was wrong. What I wanted, what I needed, was what I've always needed. To be needed.
The days I was happy were when the kids joked quietly among themselves that they all had one extra spell, summon Sestian, just yell loud enough. I liked that, came to need it. My life has never been full of friends and people and thanks. In truth, except for a demon general, no one has ever really thanked me in anything but the most passing of ways. But then, they knew they needed me, they just had to yell loud enough.
But they grew up, had to come to make their own mistakes, and I could never let that happen the way it was supposed to. I also never found the same attachment to anyone else, because all the new first years smelled like food. I still don't like people on a personal level. I can't abide the smell of them up close, because I won't eat human flesh, not again, the one, that first night, was enough. The beast,t he monster, its a part of me. I love it, and yet I hate it. That was when we stopped talking, and I started grasping at strings, when I started moving farther and farther away from everyone, and lost any real human empathy. But whatever else, its a part of me.
I did some reading while doing my research, and found out wolves, when separated from their packs, go insane. I can relate. But I need to accept there isn't a place for me. I'll never be able to live among humans except on a peripheral basis, and I'll never find werewolves who don't eat human flesh, or don't run with those who do. If I'm going to start again, that means I need to make a place, since there isn't one.
I'm going to have to leave Volareska. Allanna was right, I can't go to the wyrm because of what my knowledge would give it. I've realized, that makes me dangerous to the powers that be in volareska... but not yet. I need to let it break itself down, become what it truly is, let the dark things come out of hiding, then come back someday when I'm stronger, when I can show other people how to kill some of those things, when my ability matches my potential. But that isn't yet.
I'm going to follow Karle, like he asked. Help figure out what this is, and maybe travel with them wherever this takes them until my book is finished. I promised it to Allanna, and she'll make best use of it.
Meanwhile, I'm going to learn. I've found, down in the dark places I live, I like the dark. Now I need to make it a home. My prey hides in the dark, uses it as a tool. I need to fully do the same thing, and become even better at it while I become more what I am. I tried being a leader, a tactician, a warrior, a companion, I'm not anything of those things, but I'm not a monster or a killer either. I'm a hunter, pure and simple. Its what I like to do, its the one thing that hasn't changed about me, and the wolf only makes stronger.
So I'm going to be that, embrace the things that make me better at that, the things that are my allies, the darkness, and the wolf in turn, and learn them better. When my book is finished, I'll go my own way. Not to Volareska, not to Ilthmar, those places are forbidden to me. And not to the sea either. I think I'm going to go the bandit kingdoms and start to carve a territory there. Kill a bandit here and there, give them something to fear, and haunt the roads until people, likely refugees from Volareska discover first, that if they scream loud enough, someone might hear them, and eventually, begin to make a place of their own. I don't like people on a small scale, but that hasn't changed who I am fundamentally. I just need to make a protectorate that I want to save instead of bury. Eventually they'll have their walls, their weapons, their means of fending off the dangers on their own, and likely that will be when its time for me to go back to my own land. By then, maybe I'll be ready to begin to hunt in Volareska again, when its shown its true face.
As for Allanna and the rest... I'm still in love with her, but that's alright. I can love her like a sister, and be content with that. I don't need to like the rest of them, they're familiar enough to just not hate, and that's good enough for now.
I still can't abide Telos. Him, above everyone, I hate. For telling me they were my allies, for suggesting to me I had a place I fit in and people who I could rely on, and then never being that. That illusion has cost me a lot of grief, but that's alright. Had they said something, had they shared some of their precious knowledge with the people who do things isntead of watching, maybe they wouldn't be where we all are now. Sometimes those who watch and those who do have to work together. They didn't, and now they get to reap the benefits from their new hells on earth.
But enough bitterness. I've had enough of that. I've started to remember who Sestian is, I just needed to fall far enough to have to start climbing again. I've left the dark places for the world above again, and when I return to the dark, and I will, it will be on my terms. Current Mood: sleepy
|Monday, January 5th, 2004|
A few months condensed down to paragraphs...
The Abyss. It was bad. Can I say that again? It was bad.
But it did something to me... and I don't even know what. All of the things I've been keeping locked up inside, hiding from... I stopped hiding. I think Dru stopped hiding too but it didn't do the same thing to her. She was hiding from something else all together.
As for me, well, I'm happier now. Things with Senedd are interesting but good. Telos shouldn't have been as unexpected as it was but yet again good.
No. There is only, really, one spot that catches me and makes me angry. And looking back through the pages of this book it shouldn't surprise anyone as to what who it is.
Pity? PITY? I swear, it makes me want to find him and kick his wolfy ass. I have felt a lot of things for Sestian over the years but pity has never been one of them. It just shows how much he doesn't understand me, how much he has an image of me in his head that isn't who I am at all.
I do love him. It took time to realize it. I do love him but he loves someone I am not and maybe have never been. And I don't love him the way he wants me to and I don't think he can see it. He never seems to really see me, he sees what he wants to see. He still does. I am not someone who should be put on a pillar. I am not someone who should be idolized.
So now he's going to run. He's going to go live in the darkness away from me and everyone else and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can do anything. I don't even know if I should. PITY? PITY?!
How can he say the only things he's done right are hunting and killing when he's never really tried anything else? DAMN HIM. All he wants it for me to be happy. Well, he's pissing me off. In fact, that's what's gotten in between us this entire time. He refuses to see his own worth to himself, the world and others - no matter how many different times or ways I tried to show it to him.
All I feel now is angry and used. Though I'm sure I'll feel the rest of it later, right now, I just feel angry and used. All I wanted was for him to want something for himself - not to try to base his life on me and what I want. I can't live for two people. I can barely live for myself at times.
You can show someone the light but you can't make them walk in it. Current Mood: frustrated
Writing in the dark
Its over. She's gone from not being able to feel 'that way' about anyone, to just not feeling it for me. All I can see in her eyes now is pity, which is worse than nothing. I don't need pity, I have no one to blame but myself.
I just wish I could figure out where it all happened, where everything went wrong. Somewhere along the line, I became a monster. I didn't mean to. I've fought so hard not to become on, to be something people could like, respect, maybe love. But I'm not. For all that I've worshipped at the altar of competence all my life, everything I've touched goes wrong somehow, except hunting and killing.
I thought maybe not eating people could save me, keep me from being like the werewolves I know, along with not worshipping gods I don't care about. I was wrong. I still became this thing, this killer, this shell, only unlike them, I have nobody.
Humans and wolves are both communal creatures. They belong in places with others of their kind, but not me. I can't stand humans, they smell like food, not friends, and everyone that doesn't is a different kind of monster than me. Keeghan seemed to sort of understand, but if I saw him again I'd have to kill him. That's just how these things go. Pity, I like Keeghan.
I'm really happy for Allanna though. Seems odd I'm sure, but I am. She's finally found a place she fits in, and now she doesn't have me looking over her shoulder anymore. I've found a home down in the dark here. It doesn't like me, sure. Its going to go horribly wrong, sure. But I like it. Its a good place for a monster, no distractions, no people, no sunlight world. I may not like being alone, but if I am, I'd rather be really alone.
I'm writing the book. Its not very good I'm afraid, but I like writing it. It gives me something to do that I know I'm good at. Not writing, just putting together a how to on killing the undead. Someone else can turn it into something readable if they want, I just want to make it as complete as I can, do something no one has ever done before, and write it from the perspective of a hunter, not a necromancer. Its going to take years to finish, but it gives me a reason to be alive during that time, since it'd hurt her so much if I stopped living.
I've given up hunting the wyrm. I can't bring myself to kill anyone else, and she was right, it would kill me and use what I know.
My place is to get rid of monsters, not make them worse. So, I'm going to finish my book, be a good warder and friend and come when I'm called, if I'm called, and leave them all alone otherwise. And then, when the book is all done, I'll have one more birthday present to give, then I can have Karle turn me into a shark, and go away forever. I don't care as a shark, its so easy to lose myself in the killer's mind. I have no illusions or pretenses, and I want company less. Besides, then that would be one less monster.
I think I'd like that. Current Mood: blank
|Monday, December 22nd, 2003|
We're all still alive. I'm the only one that seems to care about making sure that we're all still alive. Prince Eric has been helpfull, in his way; he seems happy to have his eye back.
Sestian and the girls have all found Patrons. He goes off to kill things, Allanna and Dru dig through Tomes in the library, and Sasha is making narcotics. Nerin expressed some interest in me, and Sasha may be able to take me on as a lab assistant, but for now I am Masterless. Between taking care of Barai and Marian and Eric and making sure we don't lose ANYBODY to this place, I have enough responsibility without being somebody's full-time slave.
We have to get out of here. Between the horrors inflicted upon us, it is possible to find comfortable niches to survive, tiny shreds of security. The illusion of security that comes from a stable position can be seductive and deadly. I'm sure Alanna is scheming something, but I already had to remind Sasha. Sestian may already be lost to this place, and Karle is becoming more ... Karle .... with every passing day.
I swear, that man is the very embodiment of EVERYTHING that is wrong with the Order. Demon-tainted and impulsive, he wields power that far outstrips his wisdom. I don't think he has any friends or loved ones, just companions. Even his familiar, the one being in all the world that is closest to him, fears for her life in his presence. He never trusts the judgement of other people, and will casually force their hand to fit what he has in mind,
He insists that he didn't tell us about the Manes because "he didn't want us to feel bad". Not surprising, considering he was raised by a society that remained secret about their true nature for centuries, not trusting how the rest of the nation would react. His casual attitude about the atrocities committed are only to be expected of a wizard who has forgotten that he is first and foremost a mortician, a caretaker of the dead. Between the Masters and the Clergy, the Guardians and the Watchers, there are damn few graduates who hold to the Order's stated purpose. Sometimes, I think that his intentions are good, that it is out of sheer foolishness that he implements Good Intentions in the Worst Possible Way. Sometimes, I can almost believe that the Death-obsessed Hold has a place in our living world.
Each day, it's getting more difficult to see things that way. I don't see Karle randomly talking in Celestial and sacrificing his lifeblood to heal others. I don't see portals to Celestial realms spontaneously forming in the mountains by our home. Instead, we get this decidedly unbalanced reality.
In my darkest moments, I want Karle to die here. I want to escape, and return home to find that the Elves or the Tharmins have eradicated the Hold, scoured the Catacombs, and obliterated the Order.
And I hate myself for thinking like that. Mulharred would never tolerate that kind of talk.
|Monday, December 8th, 2003|
Welcome to the Underworld
Every torture and indignity I could imagine, and more -- that much I expected. These demons go far beyond establishing dominance, reveling in cruelty like the worst kinds of people.I expected power games, but this goes far beyond that - they seem to have a real lust for suffering. That one truth, that madness, suffuses everything here.
There is much more need for me here than there ever has been at the Hold, and I hope that I'm up to the challenge. Already I can see how tempting it would be to break, to give up completely and seek the only escape that is available to all slaves. Healing somebody, nursing them back to life so that they can continue like this - that could be an act of cruelty as easily as an act of kindness. These Vrocks seem too stupid and petty to misuse my talents that way, but I might eventually be ordered to do so by a higher demon.
Sasha, as always, is the indmonitable warrior, refusing to surrender. If she ever gets a chance to kill a Vrock, she will be quite happy. Unfortunately for her, fighting back just arouses the more playful desires in our captors; she was hurt more than any of the rest of us. It would be better for her if we had been defeated in battle, but I suspect she will find ways to fight for herself every day we are here. Sestian, of course, just wants to kill things, even as a servant to masters he despises and resents - not a big difference from the Hold, really. He almost seemed happy until the questioning. I shudder to think of the lengths to which he will go to keep that from happening to Alanna.
The prince is holding up well. He's even more lost than the rest of us, but seems to be adapting. And Karle... hasn't killed us, yet. That's the kindest thing I can think about him right now. In the morning, I will do my damnedest to save M from this place and from him.
Oh dear Random...(entirely in her head)
I don't know what I expected but this? This is not it.
I hate having to make decisions. It was my decision that brought Sestian, Soren and myself down here. What was I thinking?
I was thinking of Master Artia. And maybe a little bit of Dru.
I am so drunk right now. Dru was right. There is a strange sort of solace in finding the bottom of a bottle. I hate the fact that I can't seem to talk and movement is awkward but it is kind of nice not to care so much.
Dru tastes much better than Nef. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... ha. ...
I'm going to go crazy here. I can feel it. Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe I can finally stop caring.
|Sunday, December 7th, 2003|
That's all I can think of. We may not be archmages and legendary paladins, but the new servants aren't exactly useless people. Trying to break them and pushing them to hate the master, the vrock and everyone else without having any idea of our temperament, our likelihood of answering their questions or what we can do is idiotic.
Sure, I can understand that maybe they subscribe to the rule through fear and intimidation tactic. But you know, I'm not scared of them, I'm not intimidated. If the threat of random death on someone's whim isn't enough to bother me, why would pain? Or if there was some horrible fear of more pain induced by torture, what use does that make the warriors among us?
Before they did that, I would have done anything they asked without needing the collars. Acted as a scout, an assassin or a hunter like with the lord in Gehenna. I hardly object to this life. That mission for the general is still one of my happier memories in life. When we arrived here, I had hoped perhaps this lord might have one iota of the intelligence and sense for capability and resources the general had. I was wrong. He's an idiot, perhaps corrupted by power and power-lust and paranoia. But an idiot nonetheless.
So long as they have Alanna I'd do what they asked anyway. But now I'm as interested in escape as the rest of them, wheras before I would have told them what they wanted to know and perhaps helped them in other ways. I know the catacombs as well as anyone, better than most. I've explored the lands as well as anyone. I've seen the hold and how they react to all the crises. But instead of volunteered information, they get direct answers to their stupid, limited questions and a couple hours of fun for the feathered moron servants.
I'll still do what they say, the collars ensure that. But now it will be because of magical compulsion, while I plot and look for opportunities behind their backs. Everyone seems to know of a hole or two in the defenses, some chance to strike at the lord. He could have had a loyal servant, or at least one who would do as told... I respect intelligence and competence in a leader. This is why I did not plot and scheme with the others, or bring up possibilities of escape... escape to what? I wanted to see what there was here.
Now I've seen it. Stupidity, lack of attention to resources, random willingness to blindly do harm. And if they will do this so lightly, then they will torture Alanna the same way if given the chance. She can stand it, she has taken such tortures before... but not without reason, and not at the whim of the Vrock or their commander.
Right up til those moments, I had hope. I like the system here, jobs are done in exchange for food and favor. People seek what they need, and trade what they can for it. Or they take it. I understand all of this. And perhaps there are some aspects that will be all of that again. But this is not Gehenna, this is not the fields of battle with battlefield necessity. These commanders are not fit to make war. They ignore and waste their resources, and no matter how much information they torture out of us, information they could have gotten more completely and easier, they will lose in their ultimate aim.
I had hoped we'd be back in Gehenna, I was, as is so often the case, dead wrong. Now we find our means of escape, and perhaps revenge. I bear the Vrocks no ill will, they were doing as they were told, and as they were allowed to do. It is their master I bear nothing but contempt for. Now I just need to make sure Alanna and Dru are alright, and we go from there.
Stupid. Current Mood: indifferent
|Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003|
First post as Sorin
I wanted to help. I thought they could use me. And... I was hoping to get away from the Hold. Have a real Adventure. Escape this Eternal Apprenticeship for a while. Mulharred told me to be careful what I wish for - I just may get it. In spades.
So now we're slaves bound in a hellworld that is somehow connected to our own. The Masters who came here before are starving, cruelty is casual and commonplace, and our lives are cheap. I don't think I'll be able to acquire many herbs here, so I'll just have to rely on the natural forces of life itself to heal these people, keep them alive. I just hope that channeling nature in this place doesn't begin to affect me with the nature OF this place.
Any of us could be killed at any time, at the whim of one of these Demons. If that happens, should I try to bring them back? There is no clergy here, and we may never find our way home. Would they really punish me for reincarnating a fallen comrade under such circumstances? That would be far outstepping my bounds, but we are far beyond the Hold.
Of course, at a place like this, people may not want to come back. Death may be the only escape.