c_jyd (c_jyd) wrote in thoskschildren,

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Starting over

The impending doom of the world is proving to be exciting, tense, chaotic, and has done wonders to clear my mind. I'm feeling a lot better these days somehow, even if everyone else isn't.
But then that's the difference between everyone else and me, and always has been. Really, that's been the key to everything. Realizing there never was a place I fit in, as much as I would have liked it to be that way. The hold wasn't it, certainly. I doubt I'll ever find that place, and really, I've decided to stop torturing myself looking for it, to stop hanging on by fingernails to improbabilities.
The end of the world is coming... fine. Unlike the others, I'm not afraid to die. I've put my life on the line so many times for so many people for next to no reason, the threat of it kind of lost its impact. People call me a martyr, but that was never it, it had nothing to do with that. It was just the way things were... my job, what I felt was important.
The bigger things about the end of the world is that its proof positive the world can change. The world, in fact, will change. Either this will be stopped and the void it left will have to be filled with something that isn't the end of the world and a signing tree, or everything will be gone. That also means there's hope for improvement, for things to change for the better. And really, that's what I've always wanted to believe in... potential. That maybe, if I did the right things, was dedicated enough, all of that, things could get better for other people. Kind of a stupid dream I guess, but I've always measured myself through other people's eyes. I tried to tell Allanna that, but I think it just confused her.

That's alright. She has her life now, her lover, ambition, and she's made a mistake. There's no more unrealistic expectations. I think that's for the best. Yeah, I know I shouldn't dwell on her. Yeah, I still love her, but its different now. I can live for something else.

No, it still isn't me... not in the way that would make sense to anyone else. But I'm going to write my book, put everything I can into it, heart and soul, and make sure it serves its purpose. Then no matter what happens to me, I will have acheived my real ambition. Then, when its done, provided there's a world left, I will return to the Dragon Kingdoms and go to work for Winter. Sure she's petty, manipulative, has a taste for shiny things and baubles, but in the end she wants things to run smoothely, for at least most things to turn out for the best, and she appreciates when someone does her a good turn. I can live with that.
Besides, there's no end of work there... security, tracking, recovery, and of course, dealing with bandits and unwelcome visitors. Its not much, it isn't world shattering... but then that's the role of heroes... to be bigger than life I guess. I prefer being realistic, practical. Finding somewhere I'm needed, trying to do what's right there, and let come what may.

I remembered who 'Tian was, finally. Someone who could live honestly, live simply, and protect my little corner of the world without regret. Small dreams I guess, but I can live with that.

Oh, and as fo9r that end of the world thing? I'll let everyone else worry and fret about that. I'll do my part, help plan and work against these things. I really should have killed Jayce years ago, and maybe let the ghouls have Cenevara... but what's done is done. Timne enough to make up for old mistakes.

I am going to kind of regret killing Keeghan, but there's no way around that now. Otherwise, it sort of like orcs all over again. I liked the orcs, kind of looked forward to all that. Now, I find myself kind of enjoying the last days of the world.
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